I see you at night, skulking around the castle grounds. The moonlight envelops you in her ethereal glow as you flit from one room to another. Bystanders part like the sea to make way for you, a commanding aura follows every step of the way. At times your presence is like smoke from a campfire, warm yet suffocating, enveloping you and then drifting off into the shadows beyond. No one matches your intelligence and even the hardiest of nobles bend to your words and will. Nothing slips past you, your eyes ever wandering. You treat others as if they were a puzzle, your so-called friends merely pieces in a game. It is no wonder that though you are wise, the whispers in the wind call you cunning, just what are you planning? Late at night when my mind wanders, my worries unable to let me rest, I think I hear you; light sobs full of pain and words unsaid, but when I turn the corner you are nowhere to be found. It leaves me wandering and wondering if it were simply my imagination, a far cry to see if you still feel.
I envy you and how simple a life you must lead, safe behind castle walls. A plush world you create in your studies with your nose always in a book. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m not the brightest but how splendid it must be to outwit your opponent with words, your tongues are your sword yet blood is never shed. Though I fight for our kingdom, you keep its foundation stable. How easy it must be to let the world run by, to never worry about the battle ahead, or that you may never live to see the next sunrise. “Knowledge is power” mother always told you and whenever I see you, I can’t help but be reminded of that day.
I blame you for her death; we were young but you always boasted about your knowledge. You were always sticking your nose where it didn’t belong, the court reveled in your childish curiosity but your mind was a steel trap! You could point out discrepancies and lies as if they were nothing, sniff out deceitful intent in others as well as back up their treason with a wealth of knowledge. Yet you did nothing, said nothing when our mother was murdered! You and that servant were attached at the hip and yet you were silent! I eves asked you about it but brushed me off with it simply being a hunch, I’m not the smartest in the room but I’m not a fool! Had you just spoken to me I would have believed you wholeheartedly but now what else can I think but that you were conspiring to kill her? I have no proof, and I fear you’d do the same to mum.
But I digress, you keep our home in balance and that is something our people are grateful for, even if they never see you in action. Aveil the Wise, our home need you for their peace of mind.
I know what you think of me, cold, aloof and uncaring; high above everyone else and unfeeling to the concerns of those around me but how wrong you are dear sister of mine. I follow orders, yes, but at my own discretion. The tasks laid before me are perilous, each breath could be my last if I don’t treat each situation, each interaction with calculated judgements. Not all news is good news, at times I cry at the pressure given to me but there is no one else to carry out such tasks. At times I question if this really the right path to take but I am already in too deep and there is no escape for me.
You have no idea what I do to ease the Queens conscience. The heinous acts I commit to protect the name of the Queen, she plays an elaborate game and I know my place as a piece. Every scenario is carefully crafted to give information, take information, play each person like a fiddle. There are nights where I do the unspeakable, where I take lives of both young and old, to placate as well as create tensions all while they remain none the wiser. I know how to kill silently, I know how to kill messily, to take observations and craft them into death in order to lay blame upon our enemies. A slight prick of the finger, a cut from a hidden blade, traceless toxins in one’s drinks, the list goes on and one. It feels as though the weight of our world lies upon my shoulders and I can never sleep at night, how can I allow myself to be at my most vulnerable when there is no one around to be trusted.
I think of us on those sleepless nights, back when we were young and whole, with a bounce in our steps and light in our eyes as we sat in our mothers’ laps as they pointed out the constellations to us. We wished upon countless stars, don’t you remember? In those moments I wish and, in those moments, …
I miss you.